Who Am I?

I was reading through some old posts on my other blog and read this one that was posted in December 2012. I thought I'd repost it.

Who Am I?

I was listening to Kim Walker speaking and she said something that struck a nerve with me. It's kind of what I've been feeling lately. She said that when the singing (the only thing she knew she was good at) was stripped away, she had to ask herself, "Who am I?" I've been in this season of "not singing" for the past 6 months and I too have to ask myself, "Who am I?" I feel like I've drifted somewhat. Don't get me wrong, I love God. I pray. I read the Bible. I listen to preachers and teachers. But it almost seems as if the passion has dwindled. And that shouldn't be. Perhaps I've allowed the busyness of life and the cares of this world to invade my heart more than the love of the God. Did I rely too much on singing to give me passion when my passion should be about God? Maybe this place is exactly where God wants me right now. Maybe it's what I needed to remind me that I need to spend this time seeking to know Him more, to love on Him and to allow His love to embrace me. When you have to lay down that thing that you have held dear for so long, that thing that perhaps has taken the top spot in your life, you discover that it's not about that. Singing to worship God is good, but if I never sang another note, I have to know that I would still love God, still worship Him. So on this day, I surrender any idol to God. I want God more than I want to sing. I want God more than I want to write. All I want is to know Him more and more intimately with each passing day. And out of that overflow, let the praises ring, whether in song, in dance, in writing, in ministering to and serving others, etc. "Set a fire down in my soul...that I can't contain, that I can't control...I want more of You, God...I want more of You." That is my heart's cry.
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More than once in my life I've been in this place. And guess what....each time I had to be willing to lay something down before God allowed me to pick it back up. I'm not sure exactly how long I went without singing on a praise team. All I know is, it was a season of learning again that worship is not about the songs. It's all well and good that we sing praise to God with our lips, but our praise must be in our hearts. I am drawn to the verses in Amos 5:21-24, which say:

“I hate, I despise your religious festivals; your assemblies are a stench to me. Even though you bring me burnt offerings and grain offerings I will not accept them. Though you bring choice fellowship offerings, I will have no regard for them. Away with the noise of your songs! I will not listen to the music of your harps. But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!"

God isn't interested in rituals. And you know, sometimes our singing praise can become just that if we aren't careful. We fall into the same old routine week in and week out. And we expect God to work the same if we follow some formula or pattern. I have to say though, some of the most touching worship I've ever been a part of was when there were no fancy musicians, no fabulous singers. But you know what was present? Lots of people with a heart to worship; people with a love for others, and a willingness to serve wherever they were needed. Hmm....another reminder to myself.

I don't want to assume that, because I sing on a praise team and lift my hands to God, that I am worshiping. I have to know that my heart toward God is to live that pure and holy life before him, following His commands.