I was listening to a speaker who was talking about vulnerability. She wasn't a Christian, but I found some of her words to be quite inspiring and informative. And really, a lot of it could have sounded like a Christian viewpoint. She touched on topics like worthiness and shame and being whole hearted. She referred to living an authentic life, having courage and compassion, joy, gratitude, happiness. Her words seemed so familiar. Probably because many of them are seen in the principles you find in scripture. As her conversation progressed, she said that if we are to live a life that is open to new and exciting adventures, we will have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable can lead us to discover a sense of self worth, joy and happiness that we might not have otherwise discovered. It is taking risks that helps us to find out who we really are. It helps us to live in a manner that appeals to our inner desires. If we lack vulnerability, we are unwilling to try new things. We live in a perpetual state of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of looking silly, etc. Now, let me assure you that walking in fear is not only debilitating (weakening you and robbing you of vitality) it will most likely leave you with many regrets at the end of your life. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want my entire life to pass me by and never to have ventured out of my comfort zone. Oh, comfort zones my be comfortable for the moment, but they definitely leave you in a stagnant place. And what happens when something stagnates? It stops moving or progressing. Okay, so how does this all relate back to vulnerability? Well, a few years ago I knew someone who had been in ministry for many years. She had been deeply wounded by those who should have been her greatest allies. She was telling me about her fear to step back into ministry after having been so hurt. I reminded her that, even though she was afraid, she had to open herself back up to the call God had on her life. She had to be vulnerable. Jesus came to this world knowing he would be rejected. Still, he opened his heart and showed love to those who were enemies. And what a blessing it has been. And I knew that she too would be a blessing to others. But she had to move beyond the fear.

It's pretty easy for me to write these words about fear and vulnerability. It's not always so easy for me to take my own advice. But I know that when I do, great things happen. So this is really a reminder to myself that I have to open myself up to new and exciting experiences. I have to step out and do what isn't always comfortable. I have to become more vulnerable.

Have you ever heard that saying, "Nothing in life is free?" It came to mind when someone was asking for a handout earlier. Not from me particularly, but on facebook. And this isn't the first time they've done it. They are always asking people to give them stuff. It kind of irritates me. I wanted to ask him why he didn't get out and get a job so he could earn the money to buy it himself. But I refrained from asking that. Yeah, I had to do a major "bite your tongue." Anyway, as I thought about the statement, "Nothing in life is free" I found myself thinking, "ahh...but love is free." In some instances people may have conditional love, but the love that Christ offers is always unconditional. There are no strings attached. And as imitators of Christ, our love should be unconditional as well. Sometimes that can be difficult. I think part of the problem is that we think to love without condition means that we have to condone bad behavior or believe the same as another person. And that's not true. God sent his son, Jesus to die on a cross for us. He didn't wait until we were perfect. He didn't say he would only love us if we did exactly as He said. He offered us a plan of salvation, a Savior. And yes, He doesn't want any of us to perish. But we are given the choice. If we reject Him, does this invalidate His love for us? No. Nothing can separate us from God's love. Now some may think that this only applies to His children. But you know, we are told to love our enemies. And isn't that exactly what Christ did? And isn't that what He continues to do?

Okay, so I know it's a hard pill to swallow sometimes. We don't want to love those who are unlovely. We don't like how they act. But have you ever thought that perhaps they may be the very ones who need love the most? When my son was in kindergarten I would have to go sit in the class with the students while their teacher took a lunch break (private school). There was this one boy who would always misbehave. One day when his parents were picking him up I heard them talking to him and I was totally shocked. I could understand why he acted like he did. From that moment on I chose to shower this child with love. He was like a new child after a little while. He was always trying to help me, to do things to please me. A little love went a long way. It was a great lesson.

I still have to remind myself to extend love when people are behaving badly. After all, I may need them to show me a little love and mercy when I miss the mark and act in a manner not consistent with my Christian beliefs.

As the pastor told about an event the church would be having in March he said a word that captured my attention: purge. He went on to talk about getting rid of our clutter and giving it to those who might have a need for it. My mind didn't immediately go to the clutter I might have in my home though (though I'm sure I have plenty of it); my mind went to the junk that is within me that needs to be purged. Those things that don't need to be a part of my life. Oh, sometimes we (or me anyway) would like to think we're doing good and that there's not any junk there. But you know, sometimes we have stuff buried so deep we may not even realize it's still there until some circumstance ignites it again. Years ago I was dealing with a situation and in the process of working through that issue God showed me something buried much deeper that needed to be dealt with. It was still affecting me, despite my thinking I had gotten past it. I thought about this story about the silversmith and wanted to share it:

THE SILVERSMITH

Some time ago, a few ladies met to study the scriptures. While reading the third chapter of Malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

    "And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver" (Malachi 3:3).

One lady decided to visit a silversmith, and report to the others on what he said about the subject.

She went accordingly, and without telling him the reason for her visit, begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver. After he had fully described it to her, she asked, "Sir, do you sit while the work of refining is going on?"


"Oh, yes ma'am," replied the silversmith; "I must sit and watch the furnace constantly, for, if the time necessary for refining is exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured."

The lady at once saw the beauty and comfort of the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

God sees it necessary to put His children into the furnace; but His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us. Our trials do not come at random, and He will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.

Before she left, the lady asked one final question, "How do you know when the process is complete?"

"That's quite simple," replied the silversmith. "When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished."

-Author Unknown

A while back I was working on a book that I wanted to write. When my computer crashed I didn't have a backup copy, though I thought I might possibly have a paper copy somewhere in my house. I just didn't know where. The other day, out of the blue, I thought, "Did you check your aol saved mail?" So I went to the saved mail section and sure enough, there it was. Or there they were...I had two ongoing projects. So now I just have to read through them and hopefully get back in the flow of things. Wish me luck! I really want to finish these stories.

Today marks the 4 year anniversary since my cousin, Marie's death. Hers was a long battle that started with Lupus and Alopecia. She later developed breast cancer and had a double mastectomy. But the cancer spread to her colon, her liver and eventually her brain. I miss her more than I could ever convey in a blog. I mean, how can you explain the joy, the encouragement that a person brings to your life in just a few short words? You can't. So rather than make a feeble attempt at sharing the depth of feeling I had for this woman, I am going to share some of her favorite songs and some pictures.

These photos were taken at the last family outing we shared at Camp Blanding....one of her favorite places. 

Here are some photos of her being her charming self:

And just a few of those last days spent with her...

Okay, here's another post I actually wrote this morning. It may seem similar to one I posted previously because I was listening to my favorite song of the moment again, and this always brings me back to the subject of trusting God no matter the circumstance. I think, for me anyway, that reading the same thing or something similar is God's way of getting it rooted into my head and my heart. Reinforcement, I guess. 

 As I was listening to the song “Oceans” I was thinking about all the things that we go through in this life. Some of them are pretty scary. But think about Peter when he walked on the water to Jesus. A storm was raging all around him. It took a leap of faith to be able to step out onto the water. It was only when Peter took his eyes off of Jesus that he began to sink.

     There will be storms in our lives. The thing is, even though we may be going through a difficult time, we have to remember that God is right there with us. He will never leave us or forsake us. And anything we go through in this life, anything that God allows is part of a learning process. Learning to trust when it doesn’t seem like anything’s changing about our situation. Learning to let God be our guide, and to follow the course that he has set before us. Learning to use those things we’ve been through to help others in their journey. And learning to lay everything at the foot of the cross; the good, bad and the ugly.  We can’t rely on yesterday’s triumphs any more than we can wallow in yesterday’s failures.

     I have been through a lot in my life. As I look back to those times I can clearly see that God was right there in the midst of it all. Circumstances, as some would call it, lined up in such a way that I was right where I needed to be when I needed to be there. Did I see it while it was happening? Not always. I was usually just too busy trying to get through the day. But it’s true that hindsight is 20/20. And that’s not just thinking about what you would change about your past, but seeing how God made a way when there seemed to be no way.

     I have learned over the years that it does no good to look back in regret. We can’t change the past so rehashing it over and over again is pretty pointless. What we can do is learn from our mistakes and press forward. And that is my goal in this last half of my life. To remember those mistakes and learn from them, and to press on with a new passion to follow Jesus and to do whatever it is I am called to do no matter how scary it may look.  

In times of war we often hear people saying they want peace. And yes, it would be great if wars were to stop.But I have to wonder if no war equates to peace. If you think long and hard about it a person can have  their own wars raging within.  They can have family issues, financial struggles, job concerns, etc. And any one of these things can rob you of your peace if you aren't careful. Drama situations really have a way of doing that; making you fret about what someone did or didn't do, what they said or didn't say. It's kind of funny though, many times the very ones causing you the most turmoil think very little about what it is you're feeling. They are out there living their lives without a care in the world. With all this in mind, how then can we live at peace in the midst of trials?

As I was meditating on some scriptures regarding peace I could see that the first thing we need to ensure peace is Christ. He alone offers us hope for something better. He has suffered all that we do and has shown us that we can make it through the trials unscathed when our trust and our hope for our future is in the right place. That means our trust isn't in what we see in the natural, but rather, in what God has promised. In order to know what it is that God has promised we need to be in His word. Psalm 119:165 says: "Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble." So ask yourself, "Do I love his law? Am I spending time meditating it?"If you can answer yes to those questions, you will be able to stand in the midst of the trials. And you will be able to look beyond the here and now. In other words, you can believe that these trials are temporary. Another clue about peace is found in Philippians 4:6-8 which says: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." It is highly important to rejoice in the Lord even when facing difficult situations. It will help you not to be anxious, and when you aren't anxious you will feel much more at peace. Present your requests to God, with thanksgiving. You can trust that God knows what you're going through, and even though we may not always get the answer we'd like, we can believe that all things will eventually work together for good to those who love him. Trust is essential. No matter how things turn out in this world, we have a hope for a better future. That future will be spent in heaven with Jesus. That alone is reason for rejoicing. And that should offer us some peace. Then we come to the part about our thought life. People who aren't at peace tend to be drawn to think about the negative things. So the key here would be to replace those negative thoughts with more pleasant ones. Replace the lies of the enemy with the truth of God's word. Instead of seeing the bad in the situation, see the good. Find reasons to praise God. It shouldn't be too difficult if you open your eyes to all that He has blessed you with. 

The Bible speaks a lot about peace and being peacemakers. As I thought about it, I thought how forgiveness would have to play a role in living a life of peace. Much of our lack of peace comes from offense. Someone did something to hurt us and we play it over and over again in our heads. What we may not realize is that, with every replay of the incident we only make matters worse. And it lessens our peace considerably. Forgiveness is not always an easy thing. Believe me, I know this from my own experience. But it is a choice that we make in obedience to Christ. As we continue choosing to forgive even when we don't feel like it (and we don't see any apparent change) there comes a time when we will see that we have truly forgiven the person who offended us. A friend of mine used to tell me to pray for the person who hurt you. And I'm not talking about praying they get hit by a truck or some stupid thing like that. Pray for them to be blessed. Pray good things for them. It's hard to be mad at someone you're praying for. 

* This was something I previously posted on another blog *

     The other day I was thinking about the many resolutions and goals I’ve made over the years and all the times I’ve failed to complete them. I began to question why. What was it that kept me from losing those unwanted pounds? Why hadn’t I written that book that had been on my to do list for so long? What about my desire to write worship songs? And play guitar and piano? I think you get the picture. As I examined my habits it made me wonder if I didn’t want it bad enough or if it was merely a lack of self discipline. Or perhaps there was some other reason that I hadn’t been able to tackle these goals. I did think that I wanted those things badly. But wanting them requires commitment and action. And even though I had tried to act, I usually lost momentum somewhere down the line. I would then feel like I could never be good enough. And that would send me into a state of depression.

     So I had to ask myself, “How can I be motivated enough to carry out the goals I have without giving up?” I really do want to feel the satisfaction of accomplishing my goals. I think they would bring me such pleasure and a sense of fulfillment. Over the years I’ve had many reasons to justify why I couldn’t continue; time, health, lack of motivation, etc. But I have to ask, “Are any of those things truly legitimate reasons to put my dreams on hold?” There are plenty of people who make time to do what they desire. And we all know there are people with health issues and handicaps who have gone on to accomplish great things. If time and physical limitations aren’t enough to keep someone from doing amazing things, then what is?

     In order to get to the root of the problem, I’ve had to take a long hard look at my life as a whole. How did I get to this place? What things have molded me and shaped my way of thinking? I think that it all started in my childhood. When I was really young, things were pretty awesome. I had a Daddy that I adored, a mother who loved me and tended to me, nice home to live in, and horses. All was right with the world. I was my Daddy’s “Sugarbabe.” If you had asked me what my dreams were then I might have said I would be a doctor or teacher; typical things for a child to say. But you know, when we can believe those dreams are possible, who knows what we might be able to dream and accomplish when we grow and mature? But I lost that feeling that I could do anything when Daddy left us. I don’t know why it is that kids tend to take on the responsibility for bad things that happen in their lives. When my Daddy moved out, I somehow felt it was my fault. I thought if only I could be good enough things would go back to normal. But nothing I did made him return. This caused me to have feelings of worthlessness. I felt no one could ever love me and that I was a failure. I could never be good enough. And there you have it…the root of the problem.

     Any time I failed at my goals it became this devastating moment and brought back those feelings of not being good enough. But you know, I know all of this isn’t true. I know that I am a valuable person, otherwise Christ wouldn’t have died for me. And I know that I can do all things with God’s help. He has empowered me and enabled me. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

     I’m not wanting my goals to be something that I make once a year and then fail to accomplish. I want a lifestyle change. I want to do great and mighty exploits for God. I want to live a long, happy, fulfilled life. And I want that for my husband too. I want to see my grandsons grow up and become great men. This requires me to be healthy. And that is my primary goal. If I should fail to do what it takes in the first weeks, I will pick myself up and start again. I don’t won’t to give up. 

I joined a group where they are writing a page a day for the year. When I joined I had every intention of writing something that could potentially become a book (even if only for my own enjoyment). The problem is, I don't know what to write about. In the past I've started a couple of different books. One was a fiction, the other based on my cousin's life. When my computer crashed I lost both of those. I think I have them on a paper copy somewhere. But where? Anyway, I still wrote a page today, even though I most likely won't be using it in any book. But I figure, I need to get in the habit of writing again. And that's a start.