The other day I was thinking about the many resolutions and goals I’ve made over the years and all the times I’ve failed to complete them. I began to question why. What was it that kept me from losing those unwanted pounds? Why hadn’t I written that book that had been on my to do list for so long? What about my desire to write worship songs? And play guitar and piano? I think you get the picture. As I examined my habits it made me wonder if I didn’t want it bad enough or if it was merely a lack of self discipline. Or perhaps there was some other reason that I hadn’t been able to tackle these goals. I did think that I wanted those things badly. But wanting them requires commitment and action. And even though I had tried to act, I usually lost momentum somewhere down the line. I would then feel like I could never be good enough. And that would send me into a state of depression.

     So I had to ask myself, “How can I be motivated enough to carry out the goals I have without giving up?” I really do want to feel the satisfaction of accomplishing my goals. I think they would bring me such pleasure and a sense of fulfillment. Over the years I’ve had many reasons to justify why I couldn’t continue; time, health, lack of motivation, etc. But I have to ask, “Are any of those things truly legitimate reasons to put my dreams on hold?” There are plenty of people who make time to do what they desire. And we all know there are people with health issues and handicaps who have gone on to accomplish great things. If time and physical limitations aren’t enough to keep someone from doing amazing things, then what is?

     In order to get to the root of the problem, I’ve had to take a long hard look at my life as a whole. How did I get to this place? What things have molded me and shaped my way of thinking? I think that it all started in my childhood. When I was really young, things were pretty awesome. I had a Daddy that I adored, a mother who loved me and tended to me, nice home to live in, and horses. All was right with the world. I was my Daddy’s “Sugarbabe.” If you had asked me what my dreams were then I might have said I would be a doctor or teacher; typical things for a child to say. But you know, when we can believe those dreams are possible, who knows what we might be able to dream and accomplish when we grow and mature? But I lost that feeling that I could do anything when Daddy left us. I don’t know why it is that kids tend to take on the responsibility for bad things that happen in their lives. When my Daddy moved out, I somehow felt it was my fault. I thought if only I could be good enough things would go back to normal. But nothing I did made him return. This caused me to have feelings of worthlessness. I felt no one could ever love me and that I was a failure. I could never be good enough. And there you have it…the root of the problem.

     Any time I failed at my goals it became this devastating moment and brought back those feelings of not being good enough. But you know, I know all of this isn’t true. I know that I am a valuable person, otherwise Christ wouldn’t have died for me. And I know that I can do all things with God’s help. He has empowered me and enabled me. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

     I’m not wanting my goals to be something that I make once a year and then fail to accomplish. I want a lifestyle change. I want to do great and mighty exploits for God. I want to live a long, happy, fulfilled life. And I want that for my husband too. I want to see my grandsons grow up and become great men. This requires me to be healthy. And that is my primary goal. If I should fail to do what it takes in the first weeks, I will pick myself up and start again. I don’t won’t to give up.