I was sitting here going through some old emails and letters I had printed out years ago. On occasion I like to read them again. I came across a letter that I had written to my cousin (who had already passed away). I was crying as I read the words. It reminded me of just how much I lost when she died. But it also reminded me of how blessed I was to have had her in my life. Sometimes when we're living in the moment we may take it for granted. But I can honestly say that I never took Etta Marie Hatcher for granted. She was one of a kind and I loved her. January will be five years since she died. In some ways, I miss her even more than I miss my dad (who died a year ago in December). I know that may sound bad, but if you know my story you can understand why. Anyway, I went on to read some other things I had printed as well. Each of them was printed out for a reason. These people and their words touched my life in some way. There are times when I may feel like my life hasn't been that important or that I haven't changed much over the years. But reading some of the words that teenagers wrote to me, advice a friend gave me, some explanation about a Bible verse that I'm sharing with someone or they are sharing with me takes me back to that time and place. And I am reminded that, despite the fact that I don't feel like I'm all that important, someone thought I was, just as I thought Marie was. We never know the power of a simple kind word or deed. The lessons I've learned along the way have molded me into the woman I am today. The people who've crossed my path have all been there for a reason. I have a long way to go still, but I know that as I move forward there will be many others who will touch my lives, and hopefully, I will in some way touch theirs.

Dirty Feet Missions

http://www.dirtyfeetmissions.org/#!media/cj5l

I know that I posted this on my facebook page already, and some of you have probably already seen it. But I wanted to be sure to spread the word about this great ministry that was founded by my long time friend, Genia Padgett O'Neal. There are so many awesome ministries out there that a person can support. And I encourage you to support those you feel passionate about. The reason I share this one is because I know the person behind the scenes.I know that her faith is authentic. She lives it every day. She's not about the drama that often time comes from denominational differences. She's about joining forces with others (regardless of denomination) and helping the poor. She's about showing God's love in tangible ways. And the contributions you make are spent where she says they will be spent. Please take time to watch her video. Go explore her website. Read the blogs and testimonies about what God is doing, not only in the lives of those ministered to, but in the lives of those who set out to minister to others. If you find it in your heart to go on a mission trip, donate financially, pray or help in some other way (maybe you have some talent you can share), then by all means, do so.

I'm writing this post primarily to myself. It's not pointing fingers at anyone other than me, and anyone who might wear this same shoe (you know, if the shoe fits, wear it) may get a little something as a result. For me, it's a reminder, of sorts. Over the years I've hated change, and much preferred being in my own little comfort zone. I would venture to say that I'm not alone, but it's a pattern I don't want to keep repeating. And possibly, others feel the same way.

Sometimes people go through life never taking chances, never pulling out the stops. Fear is the great defeater of dreams and destiny. It can rob us of a joy and exhilaration that comes from doing what we thought impossible. While change and risk taking can be scary, to never change or take a risk can be stifling and will lead to a dull, boring existence that is often times filled with regrets. But stepping out and taking that chance could end up being the most amazing experience.

Shifting blame can keep us safe in our comfort zone. You know what I'm talking about, "I couldn't do it because..." You fill in your own blank. In some cases, there may be valid reasons, but many times it's just another excuse. But if we want to live the lives that God wants for us, we have to be open to change. We have to be risk takers. I think about all the men and women in the Bible who had to do things that required them to take a leap of faith. They had to make drastic changes in their lives in order to fulfill God's plan. Look at Moses, for example. He was living in a palace. And the next thing you know, he's leading God's people out of captivity. Talk about a radical change. And what about disciples who dropped everything to follow Jesus? And then there's Abraham. He left the family he knew in order to have descendents as numerous as the stars. At the time of his leaving that probably seemed pretty preposterous. All of these people had to step far from their comfort zone.This causes me to think that God likes taking us into places we might fear to tread. It requires faith. When we place our trust in Him, and follow the leading of the Spirit, we can be certain that no matter what happens, it's all a part of the plan. We may not always see it immediately, but rest assured it will become evident.

Years ago I felt I needed to leave a church I was at. I loved the people and had been there for many years. But because of personal reasons, I felt I couldn't stay there. Even knowing in my head that I needed to leave didn't give me that assurance that it was the right decision. I fought it for about a year. I had always been comfortable there, but at that point my comfort had changed to discomfort. I really believe that was God nudging me to get me to act. One day while I was on a retreat with some teens I spent some alone time with God. As I was praying, I felt such a peace about leaving. So I did. I didn't really have any idea where I was headed to in the beginning. After much prayer and searching I found a church I felt compelled to stay at so I planted roots. About six months into it, all the reasons why I needed to be at the new church began to unfold. I took in two boys and I would need some of the people there to help me through one of the most difficult journeys of my life. I know that God surrounded me with all the right people for that time in my life. It took me leaving the comfort zone and stepping into the unfamiliar. It required me to trust people I didn't really know that well. And in the long run, it caused me to deal with some issues I had buried long before.

By nature, I am usually a shy person when I first meet people. I feel uncomfortable. It takes me a while to drop my guard and let them into my inner circle, so to speak. Even something as simple as a "greet your neighbor" handshake at church is a major ordeal for me. I've forced myself to do it, but it's not always comfortable. It kind of reminds me of that ice bucket challenge. You just have to try to prepare yourself as best you can and do it quickly. There are times when I don't feel as uncomfortable. That's usually when I see someone who feels even more awkward than me. Especially if it's a young person. Those outcast teens who many people seem to avoid are the ones I feel drawn to most. Probably because I was always the outcast when I was young. Anyway, the point is, being an introvert can be difficult when you are wanting to step out of your comfort zone. But with God's help it can be done.

I sing on a praise team. Someone asked me how I got over stage fright. Ha! The real answer is, "I never have." I just have to dive in and do it.I can remember those first days being on a praise team. I felt so awkward. I am also an easily distracted person, so when anyone in the congregation made a move, oh my....I had to fight to regain focus. When I am asked to sing solo, I like to be majorly prepared before I do it. I'm not really a spur of the moment person unless I know the song well or God leads me to sing something (which has happened a few times over the years...I may share some of that later). But it reminds me of how those in ministry have to be. Not just in the singing aspect, but in all aspects. We have to be ready in season and out of season. I know that this isn't necessarily the context, but it still holds true. A person doesn't pick up an instrument one day and begin a huge solo career. They put in hours and hours of practice, learning songs, improving their craft long before that happens. And we have to be like that when it comes to the Word of God. We have to be feeding on the Word so that when the time comes we will be ready. It's not always our idea of fun. But the sacrifice of our time will pay off in the long run (and the more time we spend in the Word, the more fun it becomes). So what does this have to do with our comfort zone? I am of the belief that, when you feel a confidence about something, you are more willing to step out when the call comes to act. I mentioned leaving a church earlier. I had spent a lot of time in prayer and in the Word before I could be certain that what I heard was from God. In the beginning (when I fought leaving for a year), I felt that my leaving would be acting on emotion. That's where the challenge came in. And I think God allowed me to stay so that my heart would be right before I made the decision to leave. Our emotions can trick us into thinking something is of God when it may not be. And we have to be cautious about stepping out of our comfort zone into something that is emotionally fueled, not God inspired. Emotions fade. The dreams and plans that God places within you don't fade. You can try to run, but it's always there. And peace is found in doing what God inspires. If we act from pure emotion, chances are, we'll be feeling pretty miserable somewhere along the way. That's not to say we can't be doing things while waiting for a specific call to be fulfilled. Helping others is never a bad thing. And things we do in the waiting can be valuable learning tools for what's to come later.

I think I got a little off track, but hopefully you understood the point. So, that being said, remember this: As you wait to know your calling (which will most likely require you to step out of your comfort zone), be practicing, preparing, praying, serving others, and be in the Word.It will help you immensely.

Who Am I?

I was reading through some old posts on my other blog and read this one that was posted in December 2012. I thought I'd repost it.

Who Am I?

I was listening to Kim Walker speaking and she said something that struck a nerve with me. It's kind of what I've been feeling lately. She said that when the singing (the only thing she knew she was good at) was stripped away, she had to ask herself, "Who am I?" I've been in this season of "not singing" for the past 6 months and I too have to ask myself, "Who am I?" I feel like I've drifted somewhat. Don't get me wrong, I love God. I pray. I read the Bible. I listen to preachers and teachers. But it almost seems as if the passion has dwindled. And that shouldn't be. Perhaps I've allowed the busyness of life and the cares of this world to invade my heart more than the love of the God. Did I rely too much on singing to give me passion when my passion should be about God? Maybe this place is exactly where God wants me right now. Maybe it's what I needed to remind me that I need to spend this time seeking to know Him more, to love on Him and to allow His love to embrace me. When you have to lay down that thing that you have held dear for so long, that thing that perhaps has taken the top spot in your life, you discover that it's not about that. Singing to worship God is good, but if I never sang another note, I have to know that I would still love God, still worship Him. So on this day, I surrender any idol to God. I want God more than I want to sing. I want God more than I want to write. All I want is to know Him more and more intimately with each passing day. And out of that overflow, let the praises ring, whether in song, in dance, in writing, in ministering to and serving others, etc. "Set a fire down in my soul...that I can't contain, that I can't control...I want more of You, God...I want more of You." That is my heart's cry.
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More than once in my life I've been in this place. And guess what....each time I had to be willing to lay something down before God allowed me to pick it back up. I'm not sure exactly how long I went without singing on a praise team. All I know is, it was a season of learning again that worship is not about the songs. It's all well and good that we sing praise to God with our lips, but our praise must be in our hearts. I am drawn to the verses in Amos 5:21-24, which say:

“I hate, I despise your religious festivals; your assemblies are a stench to me. Even though you bring me burnt offerings and grain offerings I will not accept them. Though you bring choice fellowship offerings, I will have no regard for them. Away with the noise of your songs! I will not listen to the music of your harps. But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!"

God isn't interested in rituals. And you know, sometimes our singing praise can become just that if we aren't careful. We fall into the same old routine week in and week out. And we expect God to work the same if we follow some formula or pattern. I have to say though, some of the most touching worship I've ever been a part of was when there were no fancy musicians, no fabulous singers. But you know what was present? Lots of people with a heart to worship; people with a love for others, and a willingness to serve wherever they were needed. Hmm....another reminder to myself.

I don't want to assume that, because I sing on a praise team and lift my hands to God, that I am worshiping. I have to know that my heart toward God is to live that pure and holy life before him, following His commands.

Last night I was thinking about how maturity can change a perspective. When I was young, I had a very low self esteem. I won't get into all the whys, but I will say that I cared far too much what others thought about me. Well, I say I cared too much, but I suppose I didn't care enough to give in to their foolishness. And that made them only tease me more. I struggled with depression (not just because of the teasing). By the age of 15 I considered killing myself. I think the one thing that prevented me from doing that was my fear of going to hell. Back in those days any hellfire and brimstone preacher would be sure to tell you that you'd go to hell for that. And it scared me. I don't necessarily believe that is true today, though I am sure God wouldn't want anyone killing themselves. But mental illness and some forms of depression are not always something a person can control. They try putting you on medications and many times the thing that is supposed to help you only makes it worse. So what is the point of me saying all this? I just want people to understand that, whether Robin Williams was an addict or not (as some like to point out), it  doesn't mean he didn't have a real issue with depression. Perhaps he was medicated for it, but I'm not sure. I do know that sometimes depressed people attempt to alleviate symptoms with alcohol or drugs. That doesn't make his death any less a tragedy. I hate that he felt depressed enough to end his life. I hate that his family are left hurting. We will never know what was going on in his mind, or if his mind was affected by medications. What we do know is, a man who was loved by many has died.

http://www.firstcoastnews.com/story/news/health/2014/08/12/suicide-risk-robin-williams/13939897/

I took a test today. It was one of those silly little tests you see on Facebook. When I read the results, I laughed. It didn't really seem like it matched me. But it got me thinking. Seems like every time I take some test that is supposed to determine what kind of personality I have, what I would like based on my personality, etc., they usually say pretty much the same thing. They say I'm witty, outgoing, the life of the party, confident, down to earth, well liked, and more. Funny, I don't see myself that way at all. In fact, I tend to think the opposite of myself.  I think I'm more of a wall flower who is shy and insecure about my abilities. I have a few close friends. Around them I may be more inclined to be witty and outgoing. They build me up, encourage me and help me be a better me. But in general I'm not that outgoing. All of the things these tests say about me, I'd love to be. Maybe it's trying to tell me something. Hmm...

The other day I was watching a show where they had to put down a horse. Tears were welling up in my eyes. I love horses and it was a sad scene. When I was a kid we had horses (that was before my Daddy left home). One horse had a colt that died in our front yard. It still stands out in my memories as being one of the saddest moments in my childhood. Daddy leaving us topped that, of course. Anyway, the horse scene got me thinking about Daddy. And I thought back to the day I stood in the emergency room and had to make a decision about what to do regarding his treatment. Everyone else in the family had left and I was alone when the doctors came in and told me he was actively dying. Even though it had been discussed a little bit between the family, I had to be the one to actually say that I didn't want them to take any extraordinary means to save him. I knew it was what he wanted. I knew the family would be in agreement. But to have to say the words was difficult. I think the doctors knew how hard it was for me. They stayed with me quite a while after they gave me the news.

It's funny how movies, music, places we go, smells, etc. bring back those moments in time that had some kind of special meaning or touched us in a way we will never be able to forget. I think it can be God's way of keeping the memory of the person alive. In some cases a specific memory may have been a moment of extreme hurt, but there comes a time when we can look back and see that even in our pain God was using it to mold us into the person He'd have us be. 

Being that tomorrow is Easter I wanted to share this song that Rick NesSmith and I wrote several years ago. Even though this song tells about the events leading up to the crucifixion, I was actually thinking about how easy it is to get pressured into following the crowd when I originally wrote it (Rick came in later and helped tweak some of the lyrics and add some, and put it to some amazing music). Anyway, I wondered if I would have joined in if I had lived in those times. My guess is, probably so. It's so easy to think we never would do such a thing. But look at Peter. He denied Jesus 3 times. And he had walked closely with him. He loved him. But you know, Jesus knew all of this would happen. Still, He chose to lay down his life for us. And I am so grateful that He did. People can tell me all day long that He doesn't exist, but in my heart, I know He does. He's changed me. That's something I couldn't have done myself. I could never be "good enough" to make it to heaven. No works could ever pay my way. His blood alone provided the atonement for my sin. He was the perfect sacrifice; the sacrifice necessary to reconcile us to God. And the best part is that the sacrifice was made while we were enemies of God. It reminds me of these verses found in Romans 5:7-8:

"Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us"

Before accepting Christ, I didn't know this man Jesus. Oh, I had heard about him. But I didn't have a true understanding of the man He was. How could someone love their enemy? How could they want to lay down their life for them? This was a love I couldn't comprehend. My whole life had been filled with rejection. That rejection had turned me into a bitter, angry woman. And now, here I was being accepted with open arms. Arms that were spread out on a cross for me. To this day I am still amazed by that. I see all too well the weaknesses I struggled with then, and now. I miss the mark more times than I'd like to admit, and I wonder why anyone would want to forgive that. But He did. And today I want to be sure to say a heartfelt, "Thank You, Jesus!" Sometimes we can take that for granted. I don't want to do that. I want to always remember the grace and mercy that have been extended to me. I want to remember that forgiveness He provided.

Before I close, let me tell you about my Grandma. She was a woman who loved the Lord. Her every waking moment was spent seeking ways to glorify His name, and to share the good news. She would call me every time Billy Graham was on television. She desperately wanted all of her children and grandchildren to serve the Lord. In her later years she developed Alzheimer's. Up until she was no longer speaking, she would always mention church and God. I found it quite fascinating that a woman who didn't know her own children when they entered the room, who had no control of her bodily functions, who couldn't recognize a fork, couldn't feed herself, etc. could still remember God. And why do you suppose that is? I know that it's because she had a deep intimate relationship with Him. She knew Him personally. Her one desire was to live out His will for her life. I don't know about you, but I want to be like that. I want that kind of intimacy with Christ.

For those who may not get this blog on their facebook or in their email, go check out my recent post on the Dirty Feet Missions website (you may have to copy and paste the link):

http://dirtyfeetmissions.wordpress.com/2014/04/10/do-something/

http://www.reverbnation.com/myspacecomcarriewilliams57/song/12792086-this-cant-be-love

I don't know if this link will be one you can click on, but if not, copy and paste it and go listen to my friend, Carrie Miller singing "This Can't Be Love." It's a song about an abusive relationship. I love her voice, and she writes some pretty amazing and heartfelt songs. She has plenty of other originals on Reverb Nation so please feel free to check those out as well.

"My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is The Lord who judges me." 1Corinthians 4:4

As I read this verse it reminded me that even when we think we are okay, we may still be doing something displeasing to God, something that grieves his heart. Over the course of our lives we have been gradually desensitized to sin. It's all around us. We see it on tv, in movies, hear it on the radio, read it in books, etc. It's always packaged in an easy to swallow pill. And the more we are exposed to it, the more likely we are to think sin is okay. I mean, everybody does it, right? Yes, we all fall short when it comes to the standard of holiness God requires. That is why we needed a savior. But any time we sin we should be grieved by it. We should seek forgiveness. Sin should break our heart. In order for us to feel that way, we have to spend time in God's word. We  have to know his heart and his character. Otherwise our perception of sin is based on a worlds view rather than on God's view. Our conscience is altered as a result.

Bravery

Today I was thinking about bravery. Now some may immediately think of a hero who rescues someone or perhaps someone in the military. And while those would be considered brave, I want to touch on an aspect of bravery that is often overlooked.

Yesterday evening the family cat died. It was a really sad thing considering she had been a part of our lives for many years. Earlier in the day I had let her go out. She had been wanting out more frequently, enjoying laying in the sunshine. When my grandson and I went to leave for karate class we found her lying on the front porch having what appeared to be a seizure. It was quite distressing and I knew then that she would probably die soon. My grandson, Jacob, began crying and then screaming, "No! Don't die, Zoe!" The pain he was feeling was evident. My heart was breaking, not only because Zoe was dying, but because Jacob was hurting. I got Jerry and he grabbed a box and put a blanket in it. He then put Zoe in it and brought her inside. I wanted to spare Jacob so I asked if he wanted to leave the room. With tears in his eyes he said, "No, I want to respect Zoe." So I let him stay with her. In a short while she breathed her last breath. Afterwards, Jerry and Jacob took her out by the pond and buried her next to our dog, Princess.

So why does this bring bravery to mind? My grandson did something many adults can't bring themselves to do. Despite the intense pain he was feeling, he stayed by Zoe's side to offer comfort and show his respect for a cat he loved just like family. He displayed a strength of character beyond his years.

Over the years I have known people to suffer from illnesses that left them unable to move and communicate. Many of their friends and family avoided going to see them because it was too painful for them to see the person like that. And I can understand how they felt. But wouldn't the courageous thing be to lay aside your own feelings and put the other person first? In a sense, this is exactly what Jacob did. He is definitely a brave young man.

I haven't forgotten about my blog. For the past week and a half I've been without a computer. It was a crazy thing really. I was sitting at my computer when my cat jumped onto my leg and dug her claws in. I jerked and it pulled the mouse cord from the computer. I heard some crackling and it hasn't worked since. Anyway, I have someone looking at it and hopefully he can get it fixed. For now, I'm typing on my phone and its pretty difficult.

Today I overheard a conversation when I was at lunch. I wasn't eavesdropping; the voices were loud enough to hear. Actually one voice was on a speaker phone and the other was in the food establishment sitting at a table nearby. In this conversation one party seemed to be complaining about something that had happened that he was pretty angry about. The man stopped him from speaking and began to give him a lecture that made me assume it might possibly be the father speaking. The young man on the phone was told to listen to what he was saying and then given a lesson about how you are to respond in this life. I can't relay every word that was said, but I can say I was impressed. He never raised his voice, but was very authoritative in his tone. He made it clear that sometimes people don't get the results they want and then get angry at the person who delivers that news, when in reality they are more likely mad at themselves and looking for a scapegoat to carry the blame for their poor behavior. He then went on to say how he should respond. It was a lesson in treating people respectfully even when you aren't happy with the circumstance. I think that's something we can all learn from. When we are dealing with people or when we are dealing with trying circumstances our first response can dictate the direction it will head. As  I'm typing this I hear the Michael Dunn trial in the background and I think about how one confrontational overtone set things in motion that led to a young man being shot. But what if he had just ignored it and moved on? Things may have went differently. Words and attitudes are like a fire that can run out of control without a moment's notice. I once wrote a song called, "Can a Man Tame His Tongue" that was my own personal reminder that on my own strength I am not likely to control this mouth. And that can lead to damage. This is why it's so important for me to rely on God's help. And speaking from experience, I can say that he definitely can help us.

I was listening to a speaker who was talking about vulnerability. She wasn't a Christian, but I found some of her words to be quite inspiring and informative. And really, a lot of it could have sounded like a Christian viewpoint. She touched on topics like worthiness and shame and being whole hearted. She referred to living an authentic life, having courage and compassion, joy, gratitude, happiness. Her words seemed so familiar. Probably because many of them are seen in the principles you find in scripture. As her conversation progressed, she said that if we are to live a life that is open to new and exciting adventures, we will have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable can lead us to discover a sense of self worth, joy and happiness that we might not have otherwise discovered. It is taking risks that helps us to find out who we really are. It helps us to live in a manner that appeals to our inner desires. If we lack vulnerability, we are unwilling to try new things. We live in a perpetual state of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of looking silly, etc. Now, let me assure you that walking in fear is not only debilitating (weakening you and robbing you of vitality) it will most likely leave you with many regrets at the end of your life. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want my entire life to pass me by and never to have ventured out of my comfort zone. Oh, comfort zones my be comfortable for the moment, but they definitely leave you in a stagnant place. And what happens when something stagnates? It stops moving or progressing. Okay, so how does this all relate back to vulnerability? Well, a few years ago I knew someone who had been in ministry for many years. She had been deeply wounded by those who should have been her greatest allies. She was telling me about her fear to step back into ministry after having been so hurt. I reminded her that, even though she was afraid, she had to open herself back up to the call God had on her life. She had to be vulnerable. Jesus came to this world knowing he would be rejected. Still, he opened his heart and showed love to those who were enemies. And what a blessing it has been. And I knew that she too would be a blessing to others. But she had to move beyond the fear.

It's pretty easy for me to write these words about fear and vulnerability. It's not always so easy for me to take my own advice. But I know that when I do, great things happen. So this is really a reminder to myself that I have to open myself up to new and exciting experiences. I have to step out and do what isn't always comfortable. I have to become more vulnerable.

Have you ever heard that saying, "Nothing in life is free?" It came to mind when someone was asking for a handout earlier. Not from me particularly, but on facebook. And this isn't the first time they've done it. They are always asking people to give them stuff. It kind of irritates me. I wanted to ask him why he didn't get out and get a job so he could earn the money to buy it himself. But I refrained from asking that. Yeah, I had to do a major "bite your tongue." Anyway, as I thought about the statement, "Nothing in life is free" I found myself thinking, "ahh...but love is free." In some instances people may have conditional love, but the love that Christ offers is always unconditional. There are no strings attached. And as imitators of Christ, our love should be unconditional as well. Sometimes that can be difficult. I think part of the problem is that we think to love without condition means that we have to condone bad behavior or believe the same as another person. And that's not true. God sent his son, Jesus to die on a cross for us. He didn't wait until we were perfect. He didn't say he would only love us if we did exactly as He said. He offered us a plan of salvation, a Savior. And yes, He doesn't want any of us to perish. But we are given the choice. If we reject Him, does this invalidate His love for us? No. Nothing can separate us from God's love. Now some may think that this only applies to His children. But you know, we are told to love our enemies. And isn't that exactly what Christ did? And isn't that what He continues to do?

Okay, so I know it's a hard pill to swallow sometimes. We don't want to love those who are unlovely. We don't like how they act. But have you ever thought that perhaps they may be the very ones who need love the most? When my son was in kindergarten I would have to go sit in the class with the students while their teacher took a lunch break (private school). There was this one boy who would always misbehave. One day when his parents were picking him up I heard them talking to him and I was totally shocked. I could understand why he acted like he did. From that moment on I chose to shower this child with love. He was like a new child after a little while. He was always trying to help me, to do things to please me. A little love went a long way. It was a great lesson.

I still have to remind myself to extend love when people are behaving badly. After all, I may need them to show me a little love and mercy when I miss the mark and act in a manner not consistent with my Christian beliefs.

As the pastor told about an event the church would be having in March he said a word that captured my attention: purge. He went on to talk about getting rid of our clutter and giving it to those who might have a need for it. My mind didn't immediately go to the clutter I might have in my home though (though I'm sure I have plenty of it); my mind went to the junk that is within me that needs to be purged. Those things that don't need to be a part of my life. Oh, sometimes we (or me anyway) would like to think we're doing good and that there's not any junk there. But you know, sometimes we have stuff buried so deep we may not even realize it's still there until some circumstance ignites it again. Years ago I was dealing with a situation and in the process of working through that issue God showed me something buried much deeper that needed to be dealt with. It was still affecting me, despite my thinking I had gotten past it. I thought about this story about the silversmith and wanted to share it:

THE SILVERSMITH

Some time ago, a few ladies met to study the scriptures. While reading the third chapter of Malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

    "And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver" (Malachi 3:3).

One lady decided to visit a silversmith, and report to the others on what he said about the subject.

She went accordingly, and without telling him the reason for her visit, begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver. After he had fully described it to her, she asked, "Sir, do you sit while the work of refining is going on?"


"Oh, yes ma'am," replied the silversmith; "I must sit and watch the furnace constantly, for, if the time necessary for refining is exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured."

The lady at once saw the beauty and comfort of the expression, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

God sees it necessary to put His children into the furnace; but His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us. Our trials do not come at random, and He will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.

Before she left, the lady asked one final question, "How do you know when the process is complete?"

"That's quite simple," replied the silversmith. "When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished."

-Author Unknown

A while back I was working on a book that I wanted to write. When my computer crashed I didn't have a backup copy, though I thought I might possibly have a paper copy somewhere in my house. I just didn't know where. The other day, out of the blue, I thought, "Did you check your aol saved mail?" So I went to the saved mail section and sure enough, there it was. Or there they were...I had two ongoing projects. So now I just have to read through them and hopefully get back in the flow of things. Wish me luck! I really want to finish these stories.

Today marks the 4 year anniversary since my cousin, Marie's death. Hers was a long battle that started with Lupus and Alopecia. She later developed breast cancer and had a double mastectomy. But the cancer spread to her colon, her liver and eventually her brain. I miss her more than I could ever convey in a blog. I mean, how can you explain the joy, the encouragement that a person brings to your life in just a few short words? You can't. So rather than make a feeble attempt at sharing the depth of feeling I had for this woman, I am going to share some of her favorite songs and some pictures.

These photos were taken at the last family outing we shared at Camp Blanding....one of her favorite places. 

Here are some photos of her being her charming self:

And just a few of those last days spent with her...

Okay, here's another post I actually wrote this morning. It may seem similar to one I posted previously because I was listening to my favorite song of the moment again, and this always brings me back to the subject of trusting God no matter the circumstance. I think, for me anyway, that reading the same thing or something similar is God's way of getting it rooted into my head and my heart. Reinforcement, I guess. 

 As I was listening to the song “Oceans” I was thinking about all the things that we go through in this life. Some of them are pretty scary. But think about Peter when he walked on the water to Jesus. A storm was raging all around him. It took a leap of faith to be able to step out onto the water. It was only when Peter took his eyes off of Jesus that he began to sink.

     There will be storms in our lives. The thing is, even though we may be going through a difficult time, we have to remember that God is right there with us. He will never leave us or forsake us. And anything we go through in this life, anything that God allows is part of a learning process. Learning to trust when it doesn’t seem like anything’s changing about our situation. Learning to let God be our guide, and to follow the course that he has set before us. Learning to use those things we’ve been through to help others in their journey. And learning to lay everything at the foot of the cross; the good, bad and the ugly.  We can’t rely on yesterday’s triumphs any more than we can wallow in yesterday’s failures.

     I have been through a lot in my life. As I look back to those times I can clearly see that God was right there in the midst of it all. Circumstances, as some would call it, lined up in such a way that I was right where I needed to be when I needed to be there. Did I see it while it was happening? Not always. I was usually just too busy trying to get through the day. But it’s true that hindsight is 20/20. And that’s not just thinking about what you would change about your past, but seeing how God made a way when there seemed to be no way.

     I have learned over the years that it does no good to look back in regret. We can’t change the past so rehashing it over and over again is pretty pointless. What we can do is learn from our mistakes and press forward. And that is my goal in this last half of my life. To remember those mistakes and learn from them, and to press on with a new passion to follow Jesus and to do whatever it is I am called to do no matter how scary it may look.  

In times of war we often hear people saying they want peace. And yes, it would be great if wars were to stop.But I have to wonder if no war equates to peace. If you think long and hard about it a person can have  their own wars raging within.  They can have family issues, financial struggles, job concerns, etc. And any one of these things can rob you of your peace if you aren't careful. Drama situations really have a way of doing that; making you fret about what someone did or didn't do, what they said or didn't say. It's kind of funny though, many times the very ones causing you the most turmoil think very little about what it is you're feeling. They are out there living their lives without a care in the world. With all this in mind, how then can we live at peace in the midst of trials?

As I was meditating on some scriptures regarding peace I could see that the first thing we need to ensure peace is Christ. He alone offers us hope for something better. He has suffered all that we do and has shown us that we can make it through the trials unscathed when our trust and our hope for our future is in the right place. That means our trust isn't in what we see in the natural, but rather, in what God has promised. In order to know what it is that God has promised we need to be in His word. Psalm 119:165 says: "Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble." So ask yourself, "Do I love his law? Am I spending time meditating it?"If you can answer yes to those questions, you will be able to stand in the midst of the trials. And you will be able to look beyond the here and now. In other words, you can believe that these trials are temporary. Another clue about peace is found in Philippians 4:6-8 which says: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." It is highly important to rejoice in the Lord even when facing difficult situations. It will help you not to be anxious, and when you aren't anxious you will feel much more at peace. Present your requests to God, with thanksgiving. You can trust that God knows what you're going through, and even though we may not always get the answer we'd like, we can believe that all things will eventually work together for good to those who love him. Trust is essential. No matter how things turn out in this world, we have a hope for a better future. That future will be spent in heaven with Jesus. That alone is reason for rejoicing. And that should offer us some peace. Then we come to the part about our thought life. People who aren't at peace tend to be drawn to think about the negative things. So the key here would be to replace those negative thoughts with more pleasant ones. Replace the lies of the enemy with the truth of God's word. Instead of seeing the bad in the situation, see the good. Find reasons to praise God. It shouldn't be too difficult if you open your eyes to all that He has blessed you with. 

The Bible speaks a lot about peace and being peacemakers. As I thought about it, I thought how forgiveness would have to play a role in living a life of peace. Much of our lack of peace comes from offense. Someone did something to hurt us and we play it over and over again in our heads. What we may not realize is that, with every replay of the incident we only make matters worse. And it lessens our peace considerably. Forgiveness is not always an easy thing. Believe me, I know this from my own experience. But it is a choice that we make in obedience to Christ. As we continue choosing to forgive even when we don't feel like it (and we don't see any apparent change) there comes a time when we will see that we have truly forgiven the person who offended us. A friend of mine used to tell me to pray for the person who hurt you. And I'm not talking about praying they get hit by a truck or some stupid thing like that. Pray for them to be blessed. Pray good things for them. It's hard to be mad at someone you're praying for. 

* This was something I previously posted on another blog *

     The other day I was thinking about the many resolutions and goals I’ve made over the years and all the times I’ve failed to complete them. I began to question why. What was it that kept me from losing those unwanted pounds? Why hadn’t I written that book that had been on my to do list for so long? What about my desire to write worship songs? And play guitar and piano? I think you get the picture. As I examined my habits it made me wonder if I didn’t want it bad enough or if it was merely a lack of self discipline. Or perhaps there was some other reason that I hadn’t been able to tackle these goals. I did think that I wanted those things badly. But wanting them requires commitment and action. And even though I had tried to act, I usually lost momentum somewhere down the line. I would then feel like I could never be good enough. And that would send me into a state of depression.

     So I had to ask myself, “How can I be motivated enough to carry out the goals I have without giving up?” I really do want to feel the satisfaction of accomplishing my goals. I think they would bring me such pleasure and a sense of fulfillment. Over the years I’ve had many reasons to justify why I couldn’t continue; time, health, lack of motivation, etc. But I have to ask, “Are any of those things truly legitimate reasons to put my dreams on hold?” There are plenty of people who make time to do what they desire. And we all know there are people with health issues and handicaps who have gone on to accomplish great things. If time and physical limitations aren’t enough to keep someone from doing amazing things, then what is?

     In order to get to the root of the problem, I’ve had to take a long hard look at my life as a whole. How did I get to this place? What things have molded me and shaped my way of thinking? I think that it all started in my childhood. When I was really young, things were pretty awesome. I had a Daddy that I adored, a mother who loved me and tended to me, nice home to live in, and horses. All was right with the world. I was my Daddy’s “Sugarbabe.” If you had asked me what my dreams were then I might have said I would be a doctor or teacher; typical things for a child to say. But you know, when we can believe those dreams are possible, who knows what we might be able to dream and accomplish when we grow and mature? But I lost that feeling that I could do anything when Daddy left us. I don’t know why it is that kids tend to take on the responsibility for bad things that happen in their lives. When my Daddy moved out, I somehow felt it was my fault. I thought if only I could be good enough things would go back to normal. But nothing I did made him return. This caused me to have feelings of worthlessness. I felt no one could ever love me and that I was a failure. I could never be good enough. And there you have it…the root of the problem.

     Any time I failed at my goals it became this devastating moment and brought back those feelings of not being good enough. But you know, I know all of this isn’t true. I know that I am a valuable person, otherwise Christ wouldn’t have died for me. And I know that I can do all things with God’s help. He has empowered me and enabled me. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

     I’m not wanting my goals to be something that I make once a year and then fail to accomplish. I want a lifestyle change. I want to do great and mighty exploits for God. I want to live a long, happy, fulfilled life. And I want that for my husband too. I want to see my grandsons grow up and become great men. This requires me to be healthy. And that is my primary goal. If I should fail to do what it takes in the first weeks, I will pick myself up and start again. I don’t won’t to give up. 

I joined a group where they are writing a page a day for the year. When I joined I had every intention of writing something that could potentially become a book (even if only for my own enjoyment). The problem is, I don't know what to write about. In the past I've started a couple of different books. One was a fiction, the other based on my cousin's life. When my computer crashed I lost both of those. I think I have them on a paper copy somewhere. But where? Anyway, I still wrote a page today, even though I most likely won't be using it in any book. But I figure, I need to get in the habit of writing again. And that's a start.